Where I've Been

What is it that has had me M.I.A?

A boy (Best Male Friend)

An utter, wrenching, heartbreak.

Then an emotional make-up

And now, we're in the midst of a rocky re-start, trying really hard to make things work.

__________________________________

Forgive me for my cyber-absence. No internet at my new house (I moved in!!) Will be in touch again soon!

Six Things I Enjoy

Coming home to a really good book and getting so wrapped up in it that a trip to the movies with your best friend pales in comparison (My current literary obssession: Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela)

Making out to the rumble of thunder outside (I woke up to thunder last night and felt soooo lonely! sigh!)

Buying new panties

Driving over to my brother's house after a long day at work just to see my niece's smile!

Sleeping in late on a Saturday morning and making eggs and oatmeal while dancing in my PJs in the kitchen

Pina coladas

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thanks for this idea, Emma

Nice Guys Do Finish Last

He's sweet, charming, affectionate, loves kids, ambitious, in great shape and very likable. But he's facially unattractive. He's not the worst looking man I've ever met but he's also not a guy that I would give a second look in the supermarket. If I hadn't met him in a non-romantic setting and I hadn't had such a great connection with him from the jump, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. We have been out for drinks, we've gone to grab a bite together. He's great company. I love his personality. And I kept telling myself not to be so superficial. Deny your Libra tendencies toward beauty and just give him a chance.

We've kissed. And it's been below par. He's been wanting to jump into the sack but I told him I like to take it slowly (a half-truth). Then I initiated the "this is going nowhere" conversation, "can you handle being friends?" He was game. Yet, he still wants to see me every week. I'm beginning to resent him because I know I'm gonna have to give it to him really straight. I hate doing that! Especially since he seems to be such a sweet guy.

Anyway, I'm talking about L2 from a few posts back. Yeah, I'm terrible at cutting ties completely. He's still in my life - in my eyes, he's strictly in the friends category. In his, I think he's hopeful I'll change my mind...uh sorry.

I can't see myself being intimate with him now or ever. So, I've concluded. No more 'just nice' guys for me. I'm not looking for a Tyson Beckford or a David Beckham type - just someone who gives me that chill down my spine when he walks through the door. L2 just doesn't cut it and sista girl needs to get it on...eventually!!

Coming Soon: The latest on my saga with Best Male Friend Who I Kissed and Then Dissed.

Is It a Crime

Don'cha just hate rollercoaster relationships? The male friend and I had an ugly fight about a week and a half ago that has left us acting awkward around each other and not calling one another.

We, forsook all self-control and ended up having a heavy make-out session one night after he went out with friends. It was everything I imagined it to be...AND more! The boy can kiss!!! But the glow from that experience died when I learned that I was swapping spit with not just him, but some other chick! The next day, a friend of mine tells me that saw my male friend in the club the night before tongue-ing some random chick!

If he had wanted action that night why didn't he take her home instead of calling me to come and "hang out" at his place? When I heard that news I felt so disgusted, dirty and irate.

I basically blasted him out...via text! Ha Ha! I know, I shoulda called...but I just didn't think him worthy of the sound of my voice or my minutes. He called me back, said he was coming over, denied any of that happening, and demanded to know who told me that (I still haven't told him)! I confirmed with my friend that it was indeed him he saw in the club. "Without a doubt" was the reply.

So, after telling my male friend to figure out his confused self before he decides he wants anything from me, we're not really talking. I called him for his b-day...but that's about it.

Still, the truth is: I miss him. AndI can't help thinking of Sade's "Is It a Crime": "Is it a crime that I still want you, and I want you to want me too?"

Ahhh....matters of the heart can be so effed up!

James Blunt knows a thing or two

Lesson of the week:

Fall for a guy who tells you're beautiful and not for one who tells you you're sexy.

Tug-of-War

Damn, I didn't know I could spew such hateful words.
I was angry!
I chose to ignore my filter and everything my mama taught me.
I just wanted my words to sting you as hard and as painfully as the news about you did to me. I wanted you to hurt.
To wonder why I was so mad.
I wanted to feel in control of a situation for which
It took months for me to let my guard down
I wanted to resume power over myself and my heart.

It worked.
Now we're both hurting.

And no one has won.

My deaf heart

"I am trying not to care. I really am"

That's the last text I sent to a male 'friend' of mine that I've been denying that I have strong feelings for. He's a great guy, just in a not so healthy period of his life. Frankly, he's miserable living with the consequences of stupid mistakes he made last year (no jail time, but definitely life-altering).

I've always had feelings for him. We're really great friends and we hang out on the regular. We know that we are into each other. We've discussed the possibility of us being a couple...just not now! He's got some personal stuff to sort out.

We were supposed to hang out tonight - grab an informal bite to eat and get a drink. Nothing fancy - but I almost always look forward to the good time we usually have when we're together. He calls me to say that he has to run an errand and once that's done we can head out. I get dressed in the meantime - jeans and a t-shirt. I wait around my house, checking e-mail, watching commentary on Usain Bolt's races (Go Jamaica!), and I find that I've been waiting for an hour without a call or text.

He calls while I'm in the bathroom. I call back. He doesn't answer. Half hour passes. I call again forsaking pride - after all, he's a friend. This is not a date! He answers, says he fell asleep on his couch, didn't even leave home. He asks if I wanna come around to get a drink now?

"Uh, no... It's late!"

"For someone who doesn't have to get up early tomorrow morning, you sure are concerned about the time." (I'm on vacation)

"I'm not coming. We made plans. I was waiting for a long time. You fell asleep. I'm not leaving my house now."

"Ok, you wanna try again tomorrow."

"We'll see..."

"Why, we'll see? Why not yes?"

"Because I don't want to be disappointed again."

"Ok, I'm sorry. I understand!"

Why did I have to tell him I was upset before he could apologize for behaviour that, anyone in their right mind would know. is lame? Grrr... Men really are clueless!

He texts me 10 minutes later: "I hate that u r upset with me :-(" I secretly melt. I'm trying not to care, I really am. But it's too late. I'm crazy about the boy even though he annoys the hell outta me sometimes. We will probably end up in a relationship one day. But in the meantime, I'm trying not to care so much... it's hard. My heart isn't listening.

Babies on the Mind

Not that you're even remotely interested, but here's my ever evolving list of baby names for when I find my husband and start making babies ...tee hee!

Girls
1. Noemie / Naomi
2. Isabella
3. Adriana
4. Nnena

Boys
1. Adrian
2. Damian
3. Micah
4. Jude

Thanks for indulging me. I'm off to clean my new house...about 2 weeks away from moving in! YAY!!

Back-up Mate

"Open in case of current relationship's demise"

What if life were so sick and twisted that you could place humans in fragile, glass cases - like those surrounding fire extinguishers - and break them should you need a back-up man. Wait a second! In many instances, life IS that sick and twisted!

In the latest issue of Psychology today - my new favorite magazine - the article, Love's Plan B explores the human tendency to keep a roster of back-up romantic possibilities, specifically when we are involved in a serious relationship. The "back-up mate is not fling material; it's a man or woman viable as a serious partner in his or her own right." It's the friend or acquaintance of the opposite sex that you would date seriously it you were not already in a relationship. It's the friend that your mind wanders to when your current love nest isn't so lovely. It's your alternative - albeit non-viable - but an alternative nonetheless. According to this article, many of us have this inherent need to always examine the options. Read it here: http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20080718-000009.html

As a single girl, I'm happy to not be stuck in this position. In retrospect, I must admit that I did sometimes wish for a back-up mate, but that desire occurred only in cases of extreme frustration with my now ex-boyfriend. But while I was in the relationship, I was too devoted to our bond to even seriously pursue (for lack of a better term) a back-up mate. I am what my friends call "tragically monogamous" in relationships. What can I say? I believe in emotional, mental and physical fidelity! Blame my parents who've been happily married for 34 years...not me! (yes, I am being a tad narrow minded)

Anyway, what do you make of this "back-up mate" idea? Have you ever had 'back-up mates' while involved in a serious relationship? Did anything ever become of it?

People Make My World Go Round

How many personalities are present in your life? Look at your closest friends: Would they all get along if they were forced to live in a studio apartment for a month? If your friends are anything like mine, then the answer is "Hell NO".

I have a united nations make-up of friends: Some that are really introspective and deep thinkers. Some that are kinda shallow but terribly sweet. Some that you can party all night long with. Some that I could sit in a coffee shop and talk to for hours on a Friday night.

Some of my friends have never met each other. But they've heard of each other. They may never meet, but they've all met me and that's what's most important to me. Narcissistic? Nope, just realistic.

Each friend taps into a different part of my being, fulfilling a specific need. They will probably all meet at my wedding or my funeral. This reality doesn't make me a flake. It says that I'm aware that no one person can be everything to me.

My dating experiences have been similar. There's Intellectual Guy with whom I could discuss politics endlessly. There's Carnal Guy with whom the times roaming the streets and the times between the sheets were mind-blowing! There's Spiritual Guy with whom I could ponder the greater meaning of life.

What's interesting is that with each person I become close to, whether on a platonic or romantic level, I discover more deeply a part of me I did not know existed or that I sub-consciously suppressed. I believe it's important to tap into these hidden parts of myself to come to a greater understanding of who I am...all the while, remaining true to my fundamental self...but sometimes even she can be shaken up by circumstances.

Who knows when I'll be able to look in the mirror and completely define myself...frankly, I hope never. My quarter-life crisis has been teaching me to shrug off boxes that I've placed myself in. I'm learning to try and try and try until I find the things that fit.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for the people God throws into my path to accompany me along the ride.

Still Life

Do you remember that scene in "What's Love Got to Do With It" where Tina Turner's character chants a Buddhist mantra? She rocks and chants herself into another realm until she seemingly finds inner peace.

Well, I'm no Buddhist. Fact is, I was raised in a very conservative Christian home; therefore my morals and values are based on the teachings of Jesus Christ. I'm happy for that because it introduced me to a higher power that I know exists. I feel and see God in nature, in people, in my circumstances. You may believe something different. I respect that.

However, as I grow older I question the role of organized religion in the world. I know people of Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, and Muslim faiths that are seemingly equally contented and at peace with themself and the world. They are convicted in their beliefs and they spread their wealth of knowledge and experience with those who are willing to listen.

So, my question is where do I fit in amongst all the - sometimes different, yet sometimes very similar - mores that govern these faiths? Do I try on each of them for size in an effort to "reach God" until I find the one that works best? Do I go with what I already know and forget about the rest?

Here's what I do believe. Whether or not this falls under the teachings of a particular holy book or that of a prohet matters little to me at this point.

I believe in God. That s/he is omnipresent and omniscient. That s/he is found in and a part of every earthly creation but s/he manifests its most profound self through human beings. I am created in the image of God. That s/he created me for a purpose that s/he had in mind for ages. That it is up to me to be still, and receptive and perceptive to his/her calling for me. That I must tap into my heart, my soul, my mind in order to connect to him/her. That I am here on earth to listen, learn and show love.

So, I've pledged to dedicate at least 15 minutes of every day to discover and rediscover my creator and subsequently, my purpose. I've even designated a room in my new house as a place of meditation and introspection. I'll let you know how it goes and the challenges and revelations (if any) that I encounter. Wish me luck!

Big Buts

There were very BIG 'buts' in the way of L2 and I having anything romantic in the near future (see my previous post). We sussed it out over roasted turkey and mashed taters at lunch on Friday. We decided that in spite of our obvious instant connection, we won't work out long-term. He's very serious about finding a mate - as he should be at this point in his life. I'm very serious about finding myself - as I need to be at this point in my life. So trying to attract intentions of two different poles would be futile. The inevitable, yet amicable, 'let's just be friends' talk occured. We walked away feeling a little awkward - I'm sure he felt it more because he was more transparent with his feelings toward me than mine toward his.





Nevertheless, I'm so grateful for this experience for numerous reasons:





1. This was my first mature dating situation since college (kinda builds my confidence, you know?)


2. I learned to be transparent even at the risk of hurting someone's feelings (I preserved self before trying to preserve others)


3. He reminded me of the importance of meditation and spiritual connections with other people, self, God and the earth (dude is deep).


4. He reminded me of the importance of eye-contact (his level of eye-contact takes some getting used to, but I soon learned that you cannot even embellish a story when looking intently into another's eyes - it demands raw honesty)


5. Life is too short and too precious to waste my time and anyone else's. It's important to know what I do and don't want and live my life accordingly...unapologetically.

What's one profound thing you learned from your dating experiences?

Dating Differently

I bow my head, kiss your hands and beg for your forgiveness for I have been delinquent in posting to this blog. I'm sorry ladies and gents! Life has been BEEEZY!

I've been working super hard to move into my new house before September...I think I can make it. Take my advice, don't build if you can buy! But then again, I've never bought so I don't know the obstacles that presents...but man, oh man, has building been a headache! I just wanna move out of my parents' house already! Is that too much for a girl to ask?!

So, on the dating and love front, here's the latest:

1. I've decided to actively seek out different kinds of guys to date. In the past, I've only ever dated black guys, not because of preference but because of fear of the unknown. My sister and I made up our minds to become equal opportunity daters. So, we are checking out new scenes where the crowd is more mixed culturally and ethnically. Why limit myself to one kind of guy when there's a plethora of interesting, fun males out there who, I've discovered, are willing to get to know me on a deeper level!

2. I've taken Emma's advice and I've begun dating a guy that doesn't fit my usual dating criteria at all, which usually looks like this: Tall, broad-shouldered, dark skinned, youngish (25-32), about a 6-8 on the looks scale (think the rapper Common or actor Isaiah Washington) New guy, whom I'll call, Latin Lover or L2, is average height, has an average-build has a creamy-olive skin tone, he's 37, and about a 4-5 on the looks scale. Oh but I love that when he laughs his eyes disappear behind his lashes and his smile lines completely transform his face! And that his gaze commands reciprocation!

We had an instant connection one day when he came by my house to deliver a product that he sells. We literally sat on my back porch for an hour and talked about his home town, our families, our life here on the island. It was almost natural talking to him. Since then we have gone on 3 really good dates (2 lunches and one afternoon at the beach) filled with great conversation. He's intelligent, confident, funny, talkative, family-oriented, warm and genuine. He wants to get together again this weekend.

But here's the catch: He's a bit intense for me. Because he's 37 and never been married and doesn't have kids he's clearly expressed an interest in finding wife material. Also, L2's a self-described "tactile person". Translation: very touchy-feely (a little too much, too early in my opinion). We kissed on the last date. He thought it was amazing; I thought it was so-so.

I've explained to him that I'm at a point in my life where I don't want a serious relationship. I'm just looking to get know people and to make great connections with different personalities. I said that I'm not at a place to start thinking about family and marriage, he says he understands and appreciates that. But he still really wants to see me?

Does this sound like he's hoping he'll get lucky? Whaddya think?

Once again, thanks for being super- patient with me. I'm off to check out what you all have been up to!

On Potential!

You know the type. "Oh, he's great.He's just got a lot of things going on." Or, "He's been through a lot".

He is the guy with POTENTIAL!

Fundamentally, he's a nice guy who's a little rough around the edges. You two have sat and talked for hours about everything and nothing. He's incrediby fun to be around and there's no pressure to" have your act together" when you're with him. You're equally comfortable hanging out at his place as you would be if he were to take you out to eat (but you soon realize that he doesn't ever do that!)

A guy with potential is whom I've been 'talking' to for the past couple months. We've known each other for a long time and we reconnected on a semi-romantic level just a while ago. He wants to go back to school to finish his degree but (insert a laundry list of excuses here). He will get his act together when (insert another long list). He just needs to complete (abstract reason A, B and C). I briefly entertained the thought, "perhaps we could work if (insert my own laundry list here)."

Then, I got smart. I am 25 years old. No matter how "good" of a guy he is, I am too mature and too wise to be hanging on to a man with potential. I want to be romantically involved with a man that has "potended!" (Yes, I just made up a word! LOL!) I'm not looking for perfection or completeness, just someone who is well on his way to his personal vision - not someone who's hardly getting started.

So, I initiated the "let's just be friends" talk and he completely understood my reasoning behind it. It may sound harsh, but I am too old for projects.

What I've been up to:



You may have noticed that I don't post as often as I used to. Life is hectic. I am bored. I need a diversion.





Life is hectic because I'm coming down to the final stages of building my house and there are soooo many little details to consider! Aagh! Can I just move in already?



I am bored because whenever I go out I come back home thinking, "Well, that was a fun time with girl friend X, but geesh, there was absolutely no eye-candy." Chevy wants to get her flirt on with an attractive, well-adjusted guy! Is that too much to ask.



I'll say it again: I need a diversion!

10 Things We Wish Guys Knew

1. We don't actually like showering in your shower. While it matters little to you, we prefer to stand in our own grime.



2. We don't believe you when you say that our flaws are beautiful. If you really meant that, then you wouldn't even acknowledge them as flaws.



3. We don't like your flap jack pillows. Just splurge a little to make me feel like I'm not sleeping on a concrete slab.



4. We can tell when you don't like our new, funky hairstyle because you glare freakishly into our eyes and never look up past our eyebrows.


5. We think your apartment smells a little, but your cute butt makes up for everything! Plus, who wants to date a guy whose house smells like potpourri?



6. We HATE when you switch up the rhythm when things are going SO well! (ladies, you know what I mean!)



7. We don't think it's cute when you lick our face...no matter how many years we've been dating. Please keep all primitive instincts to yourself!



8. We didn't make time in our busy schedule to plunk down on a Tuesday night to watch the LOTR trilogy or to play the latest playstation game. Come over here and rub my feet, dagnabbit! (lol)



9. We notice when you've swept the dust bunnies under the sofa in an attempt to make the place clean for us!



10. And finally, even with all these less than desirable traits and practices, we're still crazy about you! We know it's equally as frustrating to deal with our quirks.






So ladies, what have I missed? Or was I wrong altogether?

Other Fish, er Friends, in the Sea

I cannot be your only source of entertainment! I cannot be your only friend! I will not find something for you to do this and every weekend. And I will no longer tolerate your trying to make me feel guilty for not calling you all weekend.

That's what I really wanted to say to my friend, but instead I chickened out and ignored a couple of calls or called her back much later when it was 'convenient' for me to listen to her guilt trip me. See, she moved here last year and until we met there were few people that she hung out with. I mean, if you had mangled your hand in a blender and gotten 3 fingers amputated - that's how many acquaintances she had.

Granted, life on this rock can get boring and it is hard to meet new people sometime. However, just because we hit it off and we have a lot in common does not mean that I want to spend all my weekends with you.

Let me pause for a confession here: My name is Chevy and I have a history of strained relationships with girl friends. I have not had the typical girl friend relationship of gossiping and BFFing since my sophomore year in college. I lke my space, I like my privacy and I don't care to know about anybody else's business unless it's my own. I am the type of girl friend you call up to go get a drink, to accompany you to a staff party when you don't have a date, or that you take to the club when you both want to get your flirt on. Don't be mistakened, I'll drive you to the hospital when you get an appendicitis. I'll bring you soup every day till you get better. I'll listen to your concerns and share some of mine. But I will not allow you to hold it over my head when I decide that I need some space and quiet time.

My friend Jen is a great girl. She's funny. She's caring. She's smart. But she's also a little clingy. I admit, ignoring her calls was a mean and cowardly thing to do. For that I have apologized. I needed to 'fess up and tell her that I felt like she was crowding my space. But now, she's found other friends in an exercise class with whom she's going to get drinks and I can't help but feel proud! She's branching out and forsaking her comfort zone. She'll find even more new and interesting people on my little rock to plan weekends with. She'll have less time worrying about me and why I didn't call her on Saturday. All thanks and no thanks to me and my not-so-healthy brand of distancing myself from her.

Here's my take on friendships: You cannot expect one person to provide you with all the things you need to feel happy and whole. You have to find your joy and excitement in various people, activities and places. Friendships should never be monogamous.

That said, I look forward to hanging out with Jen again and hearing about her newly formed friendships. Even so, I can't help feeling a little guilty about the momentary tension between us - hopefully time and honesty (on my part) will heal that.

Luca, Cyrus, or Aesop...I'll Never Know

It is lunch time. I am famished. I join the line by the sidewalk kiosk for a chicken wrap behind a tall, tan Mediterranean (good) looking guy dressed in a chef's suit (sans hat). He turns around. I smile and say hi.

****Heart. Be. Still.****

He's Mediterranean (weakness #1)

He can cook...really, really well (weakness #2)

He has a great accent (weakness #3)

****************************

He invites me to jump the line ahead of him. I accept wondering if he's gonna check out my butt (please don't be a creep!). He's in the middle of complimenting me on my hair (just got a new haircut, btw) when the wind whips in and blows some papers out of his hand. He goes running after them. I offer to help, but he insists that he's okay. He runs behind the food kiosk searching for the rest of his stash, laughing at himself.

It's my turn to order now. I look around wanting to ask him if he'd like me to order something for him since the line is growing longer by the second. But he has disappeared. I collect my chicken tahini wrap and walk back to my car thinking..."I bet his name was Luca...or something Mediterraneanly sexy like that!"

Next to "Chevy" in the Dictionary...

Convivial

Cheerful

Affable

Introverted or Extroverted (depending on the time of month (so says my mom))

Passionate

Caring

Cautious

Reserved

Intimidating (if you don't know me)

Creatively Fashionable

Stern

Pensive

Classic

Intelligent

Sexy

Well-mannered

Pulchritudinous (had to look that one up)

Quiet

Considerate

Honest

Methodical

That is what my close friends and familly came up with when I asked each of them to describe my personality in 5 words.

I am quiet and introverted because deep down I'm shy. I'm cheerful because I like to make people feel welcome. But I guess I can be intimidating and stern when I'm placed in situations where people could mistake my cheerful attitude for a weak, impressionable one. I AM methodical and pensive...it's the Libra in me. Got to weigh the pros and the cons and everything in between before I commit to anything (It does get exhausting sometimes). I do have a big heart - always rooting for the underdog.

I think they've got me pegged.

What would your folks say about you?

I Got My Boobies

I absolutely love everything about Nina Simone - regal, ecclectic, soulful, vulnerable, smart-ass and tragic. Hope you enjoy this song (Ain't Got No...I Got Life) as much as I do!

Odd One Out

Gotta say

- going to the club with Best Male Friend and 2 of his male friends

- being the only girl in the group

- and being asked which one is my boyfriend by guys who wanted to dance with me

- then answering "None of them"

- and dancing with 3 really cute guys (not all at once, of course)

- then having BMF check on me to make sure I was 'comfortable'

was one of the most fun experiences I've had in a long time. And to think I didn't want to be the odd one out!

Salsa Trumps Heartbreak

It was last week Sunday evening just hours after receiving Bobby's email when I got one from long lost Hank. He wrote to say that he had been thinking about me - but that that was all he would say because he didn't want to make things complicated for me. He also asked if he should stop contacting me - and if that would make me feel more comfortable.

Some of the thoughts that whirled around in my head as I read it were: "Where the hell have you been?" "How do you write something like that after not replying to the e-mail I sent you 3 weeks before?" "What do you mean by: "make things complicated for me"? "Honey, I'm fine now...I'm all cried out and I feel a lot better for it"

Then, a little orange box pops up in the bottom left corner of my screen. "Chevy?" CRAP! I forgot about GMail IMing. It's Hank. He had just sent the e-mail about 5 minutes before and he must have seen my name light up when I signed in.

I took a deep breath, and didn't reveal in my writing that I was actually relieved to know that he is still alive. I told myself to let him lead the conversation. I really did feel composed - not at all the way I felt every other time we spoke: hung up on him. I also was not harboring ill feelings towards him. Therefore, I was in a really good position to talk to him.

We typed back and forth for about 20 minutes and we established and clarified somethings: He did not have access to e-mail because he was traveling for the past few weeks. He somehow overlooked my e-mail and did not read it. (Sounds fishy, right? But he's never been one to lie to me and he seemed genuinely surprised to learn about the e-mail (which he read while we were talking)) He apologized profusely for not replying. I told him that it didn't matter now because I no longer had the feelings expressed in the e-mail. I had come to accept that we would not be a couple again. I am OK with that. And please stop asking me if I'm seeing anyone else everytime we talk. We signed off by extending sincere wishes of good luck and said we'd talk again another time. I get the feeling it won't be for a long while.

It was the closure of all closures! I felt completely liberated. Instead of sitting there ruminating over what was just said and what was not said, I shrugged my shoulders and made my way to the kitchen to obey my craving for corn chips and salsa.

Resurrection of the Exes

It was written in the stars that last weekend would bring lots of communication my way. Finally, my horoscope was right! (Just for the record, I only check my horoscope out of sheer boredom - does anybody out there really believe those things?)

Anyway, it was Easter Sunday (Happy Belated Easter, btw) and I had slept until 11. While lying around in my PJs, I get an e-mail from my ex...but it's not Hank (my most recent ex). It's from the Ex before him. Let's call him Bobby.

Just to preface the contents of his e-mail: Bobby and I "reunited" over the Christmas holidays after about 3 years of successfully avoiding each other. We would e-mail each other occasionally, but even though our relationship ended mutually (that seems to be a trend in my life), I avoided Bobby because I knew he still had strong feelings for me. The moment we broke-up, those feelings stopped being reciprocated. I had entered the relationship with Hank just 3 months afterwards and I didn't want the interference. I was cordial to Bobby, but I always kept correspondence short and sweet. Anyway, when he came around Christmas of '07, we had a really enjoyable time. We ate shrimp, sat outside under the Caribbean sun and caught up. It was only marginally awkward. I was happy to see him.

Back to the e-mail. Bobby writes to wish me a Happy Easter and to apologize for "being a jerk." Whaaaa? He rambles on about how he understands why I avoided him and that he never meant to hurt me. And he hopes that we can be "a part of each other's life in the future" (someone please translate that for me).

I was confused. Bobby was never a jerk; in fact, he was always a little too sweet (his tragic flaw). You know the type: bends over backwards for everyone, incuding his mama. Flashback: We, 18 years old and hormone-crazy, were making out like crazy in my living room, ecstatic because my parents weren't home. His mom then calls my house phone because she needs him to come home pronto to wash the dishes!?? This is Bobby: "Yes, mommy, I'm coming now!" I felt like I had broken up with his entire family when we finally ended the relationship.

Anyway, I reply to Bobby that it's nice to hear from him (which it was) and that I never thought he had jerkish tendencies and I finished it off with an "Of course, we can be friends!" Didn't even touch that future bit. Although he's sweeter than licorice, he's one ex I got over quickly.

Coming up: I heard from Hank! Another reason last weekend was so communicative!

Choices, Choices

If you had only the following 2 options which would you choose:

a.) To marry someone with herpes (a controllable disease that can't be transmitted as long as a condom is always used) who has had about 3-5 sexual partners?

or

b.) To marry someone who has had 80-100 sexual partners with a clean bill of health?

My friend asked me that question just yesterday before she hopped on a plane. On our way to the airport we were discussing the Spitzer case and the Monica Lewinsky case. We resolved to never be the mortified wife that stood under the harsh glare of television camera lights and photography flash. We were not going to "stand by our man" especially when there was evidence to prove that he was unfaithful. But then my friend slapped me upside the head with the questions above. I'm still ruminating...

What do you say?

Closure

I never wanted to be your ex-girlfriend because I saw the way you treated your ex before me and that was not pretty. Now I wish I had her number to apologize on your behalf and to tell her I feel her pain. You're not an easy guy to get over, even though you find it easy to ignore my calls. Just like her, I did nothing wrong. Just like her, I just wanted to remain friends. But you seem incapable of that, so I respect your decision to not communicate with me. I will not write. I will not call. I will tell our friends that I'm doing great until that lie becomes the truth.

I sincerely wish you all the best. Thank you for being my boyfriend once. Thank you for being the only man that I ever truly loved until today. Thank you for the lessons I learned during and after a relationship with you. Thank you for forcing unwelcome closure. You've been most helpful in this journey towards loving myself.

- Chevy

Dana Parish - Not My Problem

For RJ True...

When You're Not That Cute

You're cute but you're not that cute when:

You, a very handsome and well-built fella, are standing in line in front of me with your girlfriend, yet you're turning around to blatantly check me out.

Nuh-uh, no takers here, buddy! I'm not trying to get my tires slashed.

What other situations have prompted you to think: "You're cute, but you're not that cute!"

Bag Lady

Just Jamie gave me a homework assignment: Take a picture of the things you lug around with you everyday. Here goes:

There's the loose change and the odd paper clip, plastic knife and hair pin.

Didn't realize I had so many pens in my bag!

Random hair thingys

The necessary lip thingys

My handy notebook

Of course, my purse in my favorite color

Pluralizing "The One"

"I think maybe the concept of 'the one' works for different periods of time in your life. Different people can be the one at different stages, fufilling what you need maybe in your twenties but not in your thirties, for example. Therefore you can completely believe that you've found the one, and for it to be true, but it won't be your only 'one'." -Working Kitten



Thanks for your comment, Working Kitten! I've toyed with this idea on and off for a while - even when I was in a relationship with someone I considered my only 'one'. I suppose I didn't have to think about having ones until recently.

My ex, Hank, was definitely sent from above to help me through a very confusing and tumultuous time during my years in college. He was so supportive and patient and strong - it was just what I needed at the time. Then there was the ex before him who served a very specific purpose in my life also. He was equally supportive, but for a different cause.

While, I haven't yet subscribed to this idea of having ones for different periods of my life, I must say the idea both scares me and intrigues me.


You see, I come from parents who fell in love at 15 and who, now at 54, are still happily married. So, I'm a big believer in the one and I have always thought that there was only one! But, when I begin to consider that I might have a few ones in my 20s and a few more in my 30s, I think that somewhere in my mid 30's, if I'm still single, it would make me wonder if I had misread the signs - and therefore lost my chance - with one of those ones (you still following me?).

Even though I have no desire to get married anytime soon (maybe by the time I'm thirty). I do really want to settle down with one man and to grow old with him, just like my parents. I love the sense of security that I think would come with being with a person who's eager to love you for the rest of your life, flaws and all (it's the hopeless romantic in me).

But until that time arrives, maybe I will enjoy the company of ones throughout the different seasons of my life until the one shows up from out of nowhere and sweeps me off my feet. However, I would have to guard my heart more carefully.

Clarity

RJ True, I lied.

Yes, I've been thinking about him less often than I used to. But, today, I realized that I had been thinking about him a lot lately and about how I haven't heard from him in over a month (we usually e-mail / talk on the phone briefly every few weeks). Then today, as I wallowed in my self-pitying, seemingly inexplicable funk, I "stalked' him on Facebook. On his home page was a comment he had left on a female friend's picture: "Wow, you look beautiful :-)" (yeah, the smiley face was a direct quote - hmph!) The green-eyed monster that I never knew existed within me reared it's ugly 2 headed self. I literally stopped breathing for about 5 seconds as my eyes pierced a hole into my computer screen! Then, almost a month and a half after my last cry over our break-up, my eyes welled up and over flowed, on and off, for about half an hour.

So, it was just a silly comment to a girl (who IS beautiful, btw). But it was the fact that he was so respectful of our relationship when we were in a relationship that he would rarely say that another girl was beautiful. I'm not blind or stupid. Of course, he found other girls attractive, but he was great at making me feel like the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. But now, he doesn't have to. And that's when it hit me: We're really over. He doesn't have to consider my feelings anymore. He's moved on.

I've been oddly selfish and detrimentally considerate at the same time. Selfish, because I was okay with ME running around kissing Best Male Friend and trying to get the attention of Customer Service Representative, while expecting that my ex stay home to bury his head in books (at least that's what he told me he was doing and that's what I believed). Detrimentally considerate, because I wanted to believe that because we broke up under amicable, mutual terms that we would, one day, magically, cross paths and run into each other's arms never to lose sight of each other again. How foolishly optimistic and deluded I've been!

While I don't believe that the Facebook comment was an indicator of any potentially wild encounters between him and other women, it does suggest that he is entering that stage of "ex-dom" where he's becoming comfortable with- or, at least, getting used to -being single. Naturally, he should. Afterall, it HAS been 4 months.

I guess it's time I let go, accept an uncertain future (when it comes to him and me), and stop measuring the length of time between our conversations. I do still love him (he never gave me a reason not to), but I cannot hold on to false hope. Yes, he is the best man I've ever met (to date), but I cannot allow him to be the measuring post against which all other men must match up.

I'm beginning to think that there's not just one person out there for me but a few unique ones whose company I will cherish and from whom I will learn valuable lessons until I find the one I cannot bear to be away from. I need to become fully engaged in this journey, NOT the one that ended 4 months ago.

Funky

She says, "I need to find a way to get you out of this funk."

I reply, "I'm not in a funk. I'm fine."

She shoots me the don't-think-you-can-fool-me look.

I repeat, "I'm FINE!"

Tonight as I sit on my bed, fresh from a warm shower, with nowhere to go on a Friday night, I realize I'm not fine. I HAVE been in a funk these past few weeks and I don't think it's my birth control.

I feel withdrawn, extremely irritable, and I can't get up on time. My rhythm is off. I have lost the balance in my life (the worst thing that could happen to a Libra).

I believe it all started a 2 weeks ago when I had the most stressful weeks at work. I wasn't sleeping properly, I was working long hours, I was a wreck. But that's history and I'm still miserable. Why?

I need to suss this out this weekend because I HATE feeling this way!

You Oughtta Know: Installment 2

1. I pick my fingernails when I bored.



2. I speak aloud to myself...ALL THE TIME!



3. After I yawn, I often say, 'Oh Fadda in heaven, hep me Jesus!" (picked it up from my mom)



4. I am craaaaanky when I don't get at least 7 hours of sleep.



5. I drank from a bottle until I was five. And I don't have dependency issues... at least, I don't think I do....????



6. I love kissing in the rain



7. Even though I grew up on an island, I really can't swim...I can do a mean back float though!



8. Whether or not I have kids of my own, I think I will adopt a little boy one day.



9. I always rip napkins and paper towels in half (I mean, how often do we really use the whole sheet?)



10. Muscular calves are a HUGE turn on for me

Nobody's Business but She Own!

So Dena says she's getting hitched to this guy that everybody has suspected was gay from high school. And, just the other day, a friend was telling me how an inebriated "gay Harry" showed up on a heterosexual male's doorstep and came on to him very strongly. Apparently, Harry was chased out of the yard.

That said, my question this weekend was: Do I tell Dena (whom I don't know very well) that her fiance is rumoured to be gay and that she might want to look into that? Or do I mind my own business?

I've opted for the latter. No use putting my nose in business that's not mine. I hope that she gets a clarificationof his sexual orientation in time, or that a close friend will say something.


Reminds me of an old school Calypso song:
Nobody's business, business
Nobody's business, business
Nobody's business
But she own

How could you NOT know?

Chevy: "I like your ring" (wait a sec, is she wearing that on the ring finger of her left hand?)

Dena: "Actually, it's an engagement ring!"

Chevy: "WHAT?" (I didn't even know she had a boyfriend) Congrats! "When did this happen?"

Dena: "Saturday night"

Chevy: "Who's the guy?"

Dena: "Harry!"

Chevy: "Harry who?" (not gay Harry!)

Dena: "Harry Watson"

Chevy: (OMG, it IS gay Harry! How could she NOT know?)

More on this tomorrow!

It's Thursday...

I don't know if you're having a busy, crazy, can't-wait-for-Friday kind of week, but I am! I am so stressed out right now. So, I dug up this picture that I took from a couple months ago to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel (or...er, mangroves). Friday is only a few hours away!

I'll write to you all once I start breathing again!

Assignment 1

I wrote to Customer Service Representative (CSR) again to say that I enjoyed listening to his radio show (which was the truth). And I got only a requisite 'thanks so much' in response.

[Chevy shrugs her shoulders]

Oh well!

A major life lesson re-learned:

"Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment"

(thanks Mahatma Ghandi)

There were no losses, tears shed, or hearts broken - only a tiny shred of disappointment and the confidence to try it again with a different guy at a different time. Let's consider CSR my first assignment for 'The Art of Flirting 101.' I wonder who assignment 2 will produce?

Rumour Has It...

that I am attached, paired up, coupled! Gosh, life on a small island never ceases to amaze me. According to persons I don't know and don't intend to meet, Best Male Friend (BMF) and I are an item. This rapidly circulating falsehood has come back to me before in the past 3 months or so, but I've managed to laugh it off. However, now I'm just peeved and wish people would mind their own business. Yes, BMF and I can be seen eating a meal, enjoying an art show and having a drink together. Yes, he is of the opposite sex and attractive. Yes, we always have a good time when we go out. And, Yes, we shared a kiss in the privacy of his apartment. But all of that is OUR business.

Girls and guys can't be friends on this little rock without people spreading rumours. Some chick that I know only marginally had the nerve to offer to my sister her unwelcome assessment of our relationship, "She (that would be me) doesn't seem to be into him as much as he is into her!" Ha, ha, ha. LMAO! Really? You don't even know me!

Yeah, I am peeved. But I am also amazed at how very little fodder is needed for rumours to spread on this 26 x 7 mile surface. So, if someone should have the nerve to ask for my confirmation of my relationship status, shouldn't I - just for the heckuvit - say: " I thought you would have heard by now: I don't do men anymore!" Whooooo! Talk about news spreading like wildfire!

You Oughtta Know

I've caught on to the "100 Things About Me" craze. I'm bored. Indulge me.

1. I am the youngest of four kids

2. My nickname in middle school was "apple bonkey" (local slang for "butt). Pre-pubscent boys can be so forward!

3. I am terrified of frogs and mosquitoes. You'd think I would learn to adopt a few of the former in order to eradicate the latter. But, nah! I'm going to continue running in the opposite direction of both.

4. One of my favorite summer activities is sitting on the kitchen floor, eating a bowl of mangoes picked fresh from the tree. I'm talking about peeling off the skin with your teeth, biting into the flesh, and licking the juices that run down to your elbows. (You'd have to be from the tropics to understand).

5. The first time I used a tampon, I was in college. My mom always thought I was "too young". Can you imagine the torture during P.E. in high school?

6. I don't curse. At all. My friends wonder how I get through life.

7. It took me 3 years to understand that catching butterflies and forcing them to flutter to their oxygen - deprived death in my bedroom was inhumane. I was 5, people, and I was all about bringing the outside in - tadpoles included (until they started sprouting legs).

8. I am unabashedly discriminating with ice cream: Vanilla, Chocolate Chip or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough...and ne'er anything in between.

9. I love getting up at the butt-crack of dawn but only when I have absolutely nowhere to go.

10. Thanks to a book called"The Girl with Silver Eyes," when I was 9 or 10, I almost became cross - eyed trying to make objects levitate with the power of my eyes. That was an interesing visit to the optometrist: "So your eyes can do what?"

I've got mail!

I got a response. He thanked me for the compliment, answered my question about the radio show and that was it. Didn't sign his name. Not quite what I hoped for. But, what was I hoping he would say? It's hard to flirt online (dare I say, harder than flirting in person). Maybe my e-mail came across very neutral.

I'll listen to his radio show tomorrow and tell him I liked it. And leave it at that. If I run into him again, I'll give it one last valiant effort; but no more e-mail stalking (lol). What do you think?

It was 8:00 a.m. and...

I told him I was impressed with the "pleasant business experience." I wrote that I appreciated his friendly and down-to-earth service. And I signed off with a simple "thank-you". Then I post scripted that I'd like to listen to his show (I learned that he's a part-time radio personality in yesterday's convo) and asked what time he was on air.

Now, It's 6:00 p.m.

And...

No response.


Well, I'm a little disappointed; but I am proud of myself for putting myself out there (even if it was just a little bit). I NEVER ask guys out. I'm a terrible initiator when it comes to flirting (oh, but I'm a great follower). I'm accustomed to the chase not the chasing. But I won't let this experience deter me from being bolder around the hairier sex. Practice makes perfect, right?

Cyber flirting

I met a boy! Well, we first met about 2 weeks ago, but when I saw him again today my interest was piqued! He's a senior customer service representative and I was one of the lucky persons who received his impeccable service. I'm not saying that just because he's cute. He really was very pleasant, helpful and well-spoken (who doesn't love a guy with mastery of subject-verb agreement?). While he was processing my paper work, we struck up a conversation about a local singer and I caught myself twirling my dangling earring between my fingers: a clear (subconscious) indication that I am into him.

He's a total "couch candidate:" someone you would love to sit on your couch, if for nothing else, to admire his beauty! Complete with twinkling brown eyes, full lips and a bright smile, he's absolutely gorgeous!

He attached his business card to my invoices on two separate occasions (a week ago and again today). That could mean that he's interested or just that he takes his job seriously. He subtly checked me out as I rose from my seat. It could be that he's just a guy and that's what guys do. He told me to send him an e-mail if I had any questions. I can't tell if he's interested or just a nice guy. Whatever the case, I'd like to see him again.

So, my question is: Can you ask a guy out by e-mail? If so, what's the protocol?

Old School Love

When I embrace her,

And her arms open wide,

I feel like a man in Spiceland,

Who is overwhelmed with perfume.

Then I kiss her;

And she opens her lips.

Without a taste of beer,

I am intoxicated.

Young man's love poem inscribed on a piece of broken pottery from ancient Egypt. Written during the Nineteenth Dynasty, c. 1304

What a Day!

I have returned to normal. I'm off the crazy high from Sunday night's kiss that left me discombobulated. Best male friend and I are back to being our old goofy selves around each other. (See my reply to Exposed's comment on the previous post)

On to the important stuff: HAPPY Valentine's DAY!

I wore magenta, white and black (but I promise you it was coincidental)

I got a rose from my dad (fresh from his garden...everybody with me: "awwwwww"!)

I walked around thinking sexy (not dirty) thoughts all day and it helped to put a pep in my step

I bought myself a nice dinner on my way home from work and savored the flavor of every bite

I got my eyebrows and lip waxed

When asked "Who is your Valentine?," I replied, "Myself!" with a big grin (Cheesy, I know!)

And now, here I am lounging in an over-sized t-shirt, laptop in - where else- my lap, smelling of lavender.

How did your Valentine's Day pan out?

Exhausted!

I know that some of you are waiting to read about my "situation" from last night. I really want to tell you about it. Unfortunately, my head feels like it's stuck under an anvil. Had a loooong day of work and I'm tired. Haven't even really had a chance to "process" it yet (or even to re -live the moment in my head). Will definitely post tomorrow. Until then. Nighty-night.

This Kiss

Inevitability. Fate. Destiny. Call it what you will, but whatever the heck it is, it happened tonight: My best male friend and I kissed.

It was the kind of earth-moving, can't-catch-your-breath, make-you-lightheaded, kind of kiss that "just happened." One minute I was standing in his kitchen, leaning against his dining table, waiting for him to drop me back home. And the next minute we were in an embrace...kIsSinG! It wasn't a hungry kiss or a timid one either. It was a ...um..."sensitive" kiss that you get lost in, that makes you forget where you are. Any and all feelings that we had been suppressing rose to the surface in that one kiss. Afterwards, we looked at each other confused and yet fully aware at the same time. We climbed into his car, drove in awkward silence for a few miles, and then, in my driveway, we promised we'd give each other space...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's late: I need to process this one overnight. I'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Eye-Candy

Some days I need to stop and enjoy the beauty that life has to offer. Today is one of those days and Common is today's beauty. Enjoy!

NightStand Companions

I'm enjoying short stories these days. When I'm working -diligently- I get ADHD. Snapshots into fictional lives coupled with a cup of tea before my 10 p.m. bedtime help me to continue my boast of being an avid reader.

Two recommended short- story collections are:

Red Plaid Shirt stories by Diane Schoemperlen (witty, unforgettable characters, surprising in style and structure)

Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri (beautifully composed,interesting relationships , a taste of India)

I'm about to read:

The Guy Not Taken by Jennifer Weiner (will let you know what I think)

What's on your nightstand?

Chevy + Cute Guy = Superbly Awkward Moment

I am officially the worst flirt in the world! Yesterday, I went about with my nifty new camera taking pictures of the sunset, mangroves, trees - whatever, was visually interesting. At one point, I was so engrossed in my new found hobby that I hadn't noticed an attractive, slightly older gentleman looking at me. It wasn't until I looked up from my view finder that our eyes met and I panicked! I blinked hard and fast and re-averted my gaze to the camera. As I'm feigning an unhealthy amount of interest in my little gadget, I'm thinking, "Crap! And he is cute too! Redeem yourself, Chevy, and just smile at him!" But, nope. Chevy is too much of a dorky, awkward girl for that. I decided to pretend the moment did not just exist.

But, as luck would have it, I had to cross him to get back into my car - after that clever display of social ineptitude. And, to add insult to injury, just as I was walking past him, I bumped my toe against a rock and had to hop the rest of the way to my car! OUF!

I really need to work on my technique!

On Being Mine

I can just see him now: That little son-of-a-gun is sharpening his arrows, roaming the earth to see whose heart he can pierce. Yeah, I'm talking about that little cherub that's adorable when you have a honey, but loathed when you don't. Cupid's arrow is gonna miss me by a mile this Valentine's Day and I'm a little bummed out about it - but only a little.

Considering Hank and I broke up on November 12th of last year and I have been giving myself 3 months to cry, eat ice cream, meditate and get my act together, Valentine's day rolls around at just the right time. Just 2 days past the mark, it's the perfect season to start getting out there to meet new and interesting people! I'm not looking for hook-ups (not that kinda girl) or even necessarily candle-lit dinner dates. Instead, I just like knowing that I'm giving myself the freedom to have a good time! I can now look forward to showcasing what I love about me and attracting gals and guys with similar interests. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel secure and sexy. This Valentine's day, I intend to "Be Mine!" Thanks Cupid for bringing me to this realization (in a roundabout kind of way)!

What are your plans for Valentine's Day?

No Complaints

Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.

-Sarah Bernhardt

Kudos to me! It's been a month into this new year in which I've pledged to live differently! I promised myself that I would do the things I want to do without excuses; that I would make the time for developing hobbies, learning new skills, and dabbling with new experiences. And here's how I'm doing so far:


1. I'm taking a photography class and loving it!


2. I suppose that also counts as a skill because I'm learning so much!


3. I went camping last weekend (the first time in 12 years) and I absolutely loved getting dirty!

Recently, I've realized that when asked how I am doing, I blurt out, " I'm doing well! I really can't complain!" Wellness is the name of my game for 2008. I intend to live stress free, inspired (and inspiring), and contented! I banish all negative energy from my life and welcome only positive and mutually edifying relationships.

How are your resolutions / life alterations working out so far?

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

I spoke to Hank (ex) on Friday night. We talk every few weeks to say hi and usually, I'm okay by the end of the conversation. But there was something about hearing his voice this weekend that put me in a weird place.

I haven't cried over our break-up in over a month. But when I heard John Mayer's "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" on the radio while lying on the beach with my friends, I got misty eyed. I know that I won't get over him easily - a big part of me doesn't want to. A big part of me hopes to rekindle the flame when the time and location finally become right.

::Sigh:: but an even bigger - and more rational - part of me knows that hoping upon hope isn't healthy. I know why I chose to be single. I know that I'm happy being single. But, man, it really hurts when I realize that the best man I ever loved is miles away and will be away, possibly, for eternity.

Seriously?

Picture this:

A young, well dressed, attractive girl walks into a gas station. Girl notices unattractive, older guy checking her out. Girl is not impressed. Girl grabs bottled water and today's paper, bypassing ogling unattractive guy, completely avoiding eye-contact. Girl stands in check out line and stiffens as guy joins line behind her (a little too closely, might I add). Guy leans into the delicate crook of girl's neck and whispers: "You want to buy me lunch?"

The nerve! This happened to me on my way to work yesterday. Brotha' man caught me on the wrong day, because I, a customarily shy and soft-spoken maiden, spun around, looked him right in the eyes (not before giving him the once-over) and said: "Really?!! Is that the best you can come up with?" Then I turned my back on unattrative guy, struck up a light conversation with the cashier and sauntered out, leaving him to pierce a hole in the back of head.

Unfortunately, I had to face him again in the parking lot where he insisted on glaring into my car, but as I was feeling particularly brave yesterday: I stared back and drove calmly away.

Whew! I hope he didn't take down my plate number!

I am so fed up with some men thinking they can say anything to us and expect us to melt. Seriously, am I not more deserving of even their most-contrived pick-up? Ugh!

Body Conscious

The things I'm learning to accept about my body:

The little corns on each of my little toes (this is taking longer than the rest)

The stubborn scars on my back from the chicken pox

My slightly disporportionate booty

The things I love about my body:

My other 8 toes

The small of my back

The firmness of my booty

See, there's always something to love! Sometimes all you need is time to come around.