Wednesday, August 27, 2008

James Blunt knows a thing or two

Lesson of the week:
Fall for a guy who tells you're beautiful and not for one who tells you you're sexy.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tug-of-War

Damn, I didn't know I could spew such hateful words.
I was angry!
I chose to ignore my filter and everything my mama taught me.
I just wanted my words to sting you as hard and as painfully as the news about you did to me. I wanted you to hurt.
To wonder why I was so mad.
I wanted to feel in control of a situation for which
It took months for me to let my guard down
I wanted to resume power over myself and my heart.

It worked.
Now we're both hurting.

And no one has won.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

My deaf heart


"I am trying not to care. I really am"


That's the last text I sent to a male 'friend' of mine that I've been denying that I have strong feelings for. He's a great guy, just in a not so healthy period of his life. Frankly, he's miserable living with the consequences of stupid mistakes he made last year (no jail time, but definitely life-altering).


I've always had feelings for him. We're really great friends and we hang out on the regular. We know that we are into each other. We've discussed the possibility of us being a couple...just not now! He's got some personal stuff to sort out.


We were supposed to hang out tonight - grab an informal bite to eat and get a drink. Nothing fancy - but I almost always look forward to the good time we usually have when we're together. He calls me to say that he has to run an errand and once that's done we can head out. I get dressed in the meantime - jeans and a t-shirt. I wait around my house, checking e-mail, watching commentary on Usain Bolt's races (Go Jamaica!), and I find that I've been waiting for an hour without a call or text.


He calls while I'm in the bathroom. I call back. He doesn't answer. Half hour passes. I call again forsaking pride - after all, he's a friend. This is not a date! He answers, says he fell asleep on his couch, didn't even leave home. He asks if I wanna come around to get a drink now?


"Uh, no... It's late!"

"For someone who doesn't have to get up early tomorrow morning, you sure are concerned about the time." (I'm on vacation)

"I'm not coming. We made plans. I was waiting for a long time. You fell asleep. I'm not leaving my house now."

"Ok, you wanna try again tomorrow."

"We'll see..."

"Why, we'll see? Why not yes?"

"Because I don't want to be disappointed again."

"Ok, I'm sorry. I understand!"


Why did I have to tell him I was upset before he could apologize for behaviour that, anyone in their right mind would know. is lame? Grrr... Men really are clueless!


He texts me 10 minutes later: "I hate that u r upset with me :-(" I secretly melt. I'm trying not to care, I really am. But it's too late. I'm crazy about the boy even though he annoys the hell outta me sometimes. We will probably end up in a relationship one day. But in the meantime, I'm trying not to care so much... it's hard. My heart isn't listening.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Babies on the Mind


Not that you're even remotely interested, but here's my ever evolving list of baby names for when I find my husband and start making babies ...tee hee!

Girls
1. Noemie / Naomi
2. Isabella
3. Adriana
4. Nnena

Boys
1. Adrian
2. Damian
3. Micah
4. Jude

Thanks for indulging me. I'm off to clean my new house...about 2 weeks away from moving in! YAY!!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Back-up Mate


"Open in case of current relationship's demise"
What if life were so sick and twisted that you could place humans in fragile, glass cases - like those surrounding fire extinguishers - and break them should you need a back-up man. Wait a second! In many instances, life IS that sick and twisted!


In the latest issue of Psychology today - my new favorite magazine - the article, Love's Plan B explores the human tendency to keep a roster of back-up romantic possibilities, specifically when we are involved in a serious relationship. The "back-up mate is not fling material; it's a man or woman viable as a serious partner in his or her own right." It's the friend or acquaintance of the opposite sex that you would date seriously it you were not already in a relationship. It's the friend that your mind wanders to when your current love nest isn't so lovely. It's your alternative - albeit non-viable - but an alternative nonetheless. According to this article, many of us have this inherent need to always examine the options. Read it here: http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20080718-000009.html


As a single girl, I'm happy to not be stuck in this position. In retrospect, I must admit that I did sometimes wish for a back-up mate, but that desire occurred only in cases of extreme frustration with my now ex-boyfriend. But while I was in the relationship, I was too devoted to our bond to even seriously pursue (for lack of a better term) a back-up mate. I am what my friends call "tragically monogamous" in relationships. What can I say? I believe in emotional, mental and physical fidelity! Blame my parents who've been happily married for 34 years...not me! (yes, I am being a tad narrow minded)

Anyway, what do you make of this "back-up mate" idea? Have you ever had 'back-up mates' while involved in a serious relationship? Did anything ever become of it?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

People Make My World Go Round


How many personalities are present in your life? Look at your closest friends: Would they all get along if they were forced to live in a studio apartment for a month? If your friends are anything like mine, then the answer is "Hell NO".

I have a united nations make-up of friends: Some that are really introspective and deep thinkers. Some that are kinda shallow but terribly sweet. Some that you can party all night long with. Some that I could sit in a coffee shop and talk to for hours on a Friday night.

Some of my friends have never met each other. But they've heard of each other. They may never meet, but they've all met me and that's what's most important to me. Narcissistic? Nope, just realistic.

Each friend taps into a different part of my being, fulfilling a specific need. They will probably all meet at my wedding or my funeral. This reality doesn't make me a flake. It says that I'm aware that no one person can be everything to me.

My dating experiences have been similar. There's Intellectual Guy with whom I could discuss politics endlessly. There's Carnal Guy with whom the times roaming the streets and the times between the sheets were mind-blowing! There's Spiritual Guy with whom I could ponder the greater meaning of life.

What's interesting is that with each person I become close to, whether on a platonic or romantic level, I discover more deeply a part of me I did not know existed or that I sub-consciously suppressed. I believe it's important to tap into these hidden parts of myself to come to a greater understanding of who I am...all the while, remaining true to my fundamental self...but sometimes even she can be shaken up by circumstances.

Who knows when I'll be able to look in the mirror and completely define myself...frankly, I hope never. My quarter-life crisis has been teaching me to shrug off boxes that I've placed myself in. I'm learning to try and try and try until I find the things that fit.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for the people God throws into my path to accompany me along the ride.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Still Life


Do you remember that scene in "What's Love Got to Do With It" where Tina Turner's character chants a Buddhist mantra? She rocks and chants herself into another realm until she seemingly finds inner peace.


Well, I'm no Buddhist. Fact is, I was raised in a very conservative Christian home; therefore my morals and values are based on the teachings of Jesus Christ. I'm happy for that because it introduced me to a higher power that I know exists. I feel and see God in nature, in people, in my circumstances. You may believe something different. I respect that.


However, as I grow older I question the role of organized religion in the world. I know people of Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, and Muslim faiths that are seemingly equally contented and at peace with themself and the world. They are convicted in their beliefs and they spread their wealth of knowledge and experience with those who are willing to listen.


So, my question is where do I fit in amongst all the - sometimes different, yet sometimes very similar - mores that govern these faiths? Do I try on each of them for size in an effort to "reach God" until I find the one that works best? Do I go with what I already know and forget about the rest?


Here's what I do believe. Whether or not this falls under the teachings of a particular holy book or that of a prohet matters little to me at this point.


I believe in God. That s/he is omnipresent and omniscient. That s/he is found in and a part of every earthly creation but s/he manifests its most profound self through human beings. I am created in the image of God. That s/he created me for a purpose that s/he had in mind for ages. That it is up to me to be still, and receptive and perceptive to his/her calling for me. That I must tap into my heart, my soul, my mind in order to connect to him/her. That I am here on earth to listen, learn and show love.


So, I've pledged to dedicate at least 15 minutes of every day to discover and rediscover my creator and subsequently, my purpose. I've even designated a room in my new house as a place of meditation and introspection. I'll let you know how it goes and the challenges and revelations (if any) that I encounter. Wish me luck!


Sunday, August 3, 2008

Big Buts









There were very BIG 'buts' in the way of L2 and I having anything romantic in the near future (see my previous post). We sussed it out over roasted turkey and mashed taters at lunch on Friday. We decided that in spite of our obvious instant connection, we won't work out long-term. He's very serious about finding a mate - as he should be at this point in his life. I'm very serious about finding myself - as I need to be at this point in my life. So trying to attract intentions of two different poles would be futile. The inevitable, yet amicable, 'let's just be friends' talk occured. We walked away feeling a little awkward - I'm sure he felt it more because he was more transparent with his feelings toward me than mine toward his.





Nevertheless, I'm so grateful for this experience for numerous reasons:





1. This was my first mature dating situation since college (kinda builds my confidence, you know?)


2. I learned to be transparent even at the risk of hurting someone's feelings (I preserved self before trying to preserve others)


3. He reminded me of the importance of meditation and spiritual connections with other people, self, God and the earth (dude is deep).


4. He reminded me of the importance of eye-contact (his level of eye-contact takes some getting used to, but I soon learned that you cannot even embellish a story when looking intently into another's eyes - it demands raw honesty)


5. Life is too short and too precious to waste my time and anyone else's. It's important to know what I do and don't want and live my life accordingly...unapologetically.





What's one profound thing you learned from your dating experiences?