I Got My Boobies

I absolutely love everything about Nina Simone - regal, ecclectic, soulful, vulnerable, smart-ass and tragic. Hope you enjoy this song (Ain't Got No...I Got Life) as much as I do!

Odd One Out

Gotta say

- going to the club with Best Male Friend and 2 of his male friends

- being the only girl in the group

- and being asked which one is my boyfriend by guys who wanted to dance with me

- then answering "None of them"

- and dancing with 3 really cute guys (not all at once, of course)

- then having BMF check on me to make sure I was 'comfortable'

was one of the most fun experiences I've had in a long time. And to think I didn't want to be the odd one out!

Salsa Trumps Heartbreak

It was last week Sunday evening just hours after receiving Bobby's email when I got one from long lost Hank. He wrote to say that he had been thinking about me - but that that was all he would say because he didn't want to make things complicated for me. He also asked if he should stop contacting me - and if that would make me feel more comfortable.

Some of the thoughts that whirled around in my head as I read it were: "Where the hell have you been?" "How do you write something like that after not replying to the e-mail I sent you 3 weeks before?" "What do you mean by: "make things complicated for me"? "Honey, I'm fine now...I'm all cried out and I feel a lot better for it"

Then, a little orange box pops up in the bottom left corner of my screen. "Chevy?" CRAP! I forgot about GMail IMing. It's Hank. He had just sent the e-mail about 5 minutes before and he must have seen my name light up when I signed in.

I took a deep breath, and didn't reveal in my writing that I was actually relieved to know that he is still alive. I told myself to let him lead the conversation. I really did feel composed - not at all the way I felt every other time we spoke: hung up on him. I also was not harboring ill feelings towards him. Therefore, I was in a really good position to talk to him.

We typed back and forth for about 20 minutes and we established and clarified somethings: He did not have access to e-mail because he was traveling for the past few weeks. He somehow overlooked my e-mail and did not read it. (Sounds fishy, right? But he's never been one to lie to me and he seemed genuinely surprised to learn about the e-mail (which he read while we were talking)) He apologized profusely for not replying. I told him that it didn't matter now because I no longer had the feelings expressed in the e-mail. I had come to accept that we would not be a couple again. I am OK with that. And please stop asking me if I'm seeing anyone else everytime we talk. We signed off by extending sincere wishes of good luck and said we'd talk again another time. I get the feeling it won't be for a long while.

It was the closure of all closures! I felt completely liberated. Instead of sitting there ruminating over what was just said and what was not said, I shrugged my shoulders and made my way to the kitchen to obey my craving for corn chips and salsa.

Resurrection of the Exes

It was written in the stars that last weekend would bring lots of communication my way. Finally, my horoscope was right! (Just for the record, I only check my horoscope out of sheer boredom - does anybody out there really believe those things?)

Anyway, it was Easter Sunday (Happy Belated Easter, btw) and I had slept until 11. While lying around in my PJs, I get an e-mail from my ex...but it's not Hank (my most recent ex). It's from the Ex before him. Let's call him Bobby.

Just to preface the contents of his e-mail: Bobby and I "reunited" over the Christmas holidays after about 3 years of successfully avoiding each other. We would e-mail each other occasionally, but even though our relationship ended mutually (that seems to be a trend in my life), I avoided Bobby because I knew he still had strong feelings for me. The moment we broke-up, those feelings stopped being reciprocated. I had entered the relationship with Hank just 3 months afterwards and I didn't want the interference. I was cordial to Bobby, but I always kept correspondence short and sweet. Anyway, when he came around Christmas of '07, we had a really enjoyable time. We ate shrimp, sat outside under the Caribbean sun and caught up. It was only marginally awkward. I was happy to see him.

Back to the e-mail. Bobby writes to wish me a Happy Easter and to apologize for "being a jerk." Whaaaa? He rambles on about how he understands why I avoided him and that he never meant to hurt me. And he hopes that we can be "a part of each other's life in the future" (someone please translate that for me).

I was confused. Bobby was never a jerk; in fact, he was always a little too sweet (his tragic flaw). You know the type: bends over backwards for everyone, incuding his mama. Flashback: We, 18 years old and hormone-crazy, were making out like crazy in my living room, ecstatic because my parents weren't home. His mom then calls my house phone because she needs him to come home pronto to wash the dishes!?? This is Bobby: "Yes, mommy, I'm coming now!" I felt like I had broken up with his entire family when we finally ended the relationship.

Anyway, I reply to Bobby that it's nice to hear from him (which it was) and that I never thought he had jerkish tendencies and I finished it off with an "Of course, we can be friends!" Didn't even touch that future bit. Although he's sweeter than licorice, he's one ex I got over quickly.

Coming up: I heard from Hank! Another reason last weekend was so communicative!

Choices, Choices

If you had only the following 2 options which would you choose:

a.) To marry someone with herpes (a controllable disease that can't be transmitted as long as a condom is always used) who has had about 3-5 sexual partners?

or

b.) To marry someone who has had 80-100 sexual partners with a clean bill of health?

My friend asked me that question just yesterday before she hopped on a plane. On our way to the airport we were discussing the Spitzer case and the Monica Lewinsky case. We resolved to never be the mortified wife that stood under the harsh glare of television camera lights and photography flash. We were not going to "stand by our man" especially when there was evidence to prove that he was unfaithful. But then my friend slapped me upside the head with the questions above. I'm still ruminating...

What do you say?

Closure

I never wanted to be your ex-girlfriend because I saw the way you treated your ex before me and that was not pretty. Now I wish I had her number to apologize on your behalf and to tell her I feel her pain. You're not an easy guy to get over, even though you find it easy to ignore my calls. Just like her, I did nothing wrong. Just like her, I just wanted to remain friends. But you seem incapable of that, so I respect your decision to not communicate with me. I will not write. I will not call. I will tell our friends that I'm doing great until that lie becomes the truth.

I sincerely wish you all the best. Thank you for being my boyfriend once. Thank you for being the only man that I ever truly loved until today. Thank you for the lessons I learned during and after a relationship with you. Thank you for forcing unwelcome closure. You've been most helpful in this journey towards loving myself.

- Chevy

Dana Parish - Not My Problem

For RJ True...

When You're Not That Cute

You're cute but you're not that cute when:

You, a very handsome and well-built fella, are standing in line in front of me with your girlfriend, yet you're turning around to blatantly check me out.

Nuh-uh, no takers here, buddy! I'm not trying to get my tires slashed.

What other situations have prompted you to think: "You're cute, but you're not that cute!"

Bag Lady

Just Jamie gave me a homework assignment: Take a picture of the things you lug around with you everyday. Here goes:

There's the loose change and the odd paper clip, plastic knife and hair pin.

Didn't realize I had so many pens in my bag!

Random hair thingys

The necessary lip thingys

My handy notebook

Of course, my purse in my favorite color

Pluralizing "The One"

"I think maybe the concept of 'the one' works for different periods of time in your life. Different people can be the one at different stages, fufilling what you need maybe in your twenties but not in your thirties, for example. Therefore you can completely believe that you've found the one, and for it to be true, but it won't be your only 'one'." -Working Kitten



Thanks for your comment, Working Kitten! I've toyed with this idea on and off for a while - even when I was in a relationship with someone I considered my only 'one'. I suppose I didn't have to think about having ones until recently.

My ex, Hank, was definitely sent from above to help me through a very confusing and tumultuous time during my years in college. He was so supportive and patient and strong - it was just what I needed at the time. Then there was the ex before him who served a very specific purpose in my life also. He was equally supportive, but for a different cause.

While, I haven't yet subscribed to this idea of having ones for different periods of my life, I must say the idea both scares me and intrigues me.


You see, I come from parents who fell in love at 15 and who, now at 54, are still happily married. So, I'm a big believer in the one and I have always thought that there was only one! But, when I begin to consider that I might have a few ones in my 20s and a few more in my 30s, I think that somewhere in my mid 30's, if I'm still single, it would make me wonder if I had misread the signs - and therefore lost my chance - with one of those ones (you still following me?).

Even though I have no desire to get married anytime soon (maybe by the time I'm thirty). I do really want to settle down with one man and to grow old with him, just like my parents. I love the sense of security that I think would come with being with a person who's eager to love you for the rest of your life, flaws and all (it's the hopeless romantic in me).

But until that time arrives, maybe I will enjoy the company of ones throughout the different seasons of my life until the one shows up from out of nowhere and sweeps me off my feet. However, I would have to guard my heart more carefully.

Clarity

RJ True, I lied.

Yes, I've been thinking about him less often than I used to. But, today, I realized that I had been thinking about him a lot lately and about how I haven't heard from him in over a month (we usually e-mail / talk on the phone briefly every few weeks). Then today, as I wallowed in my self-pitying, seemingly inexplicable funk, I "stalked' him on Facebook. On his home page was a comment he had left on a female friend's picture: "Wow, you look beautiful :-)" (yeah, the smiley face was a direct quote - hmph!) The green-eyed monster that I never knew existed within me reared it's ugly 2 headed self. I literally stopped breathing for about 5 seconds as my eyes pierced a hole into my computer screen! Then, almost a month and a half after my last cry over our break-up, my eyes welled up and over flowed, on and off, for about half an hour.

So, it was just a silly comment to a girl (who IS beautiful, btw). But it was the fact that he was so respectful of our relationship when we were in a relationship that he would rarely say that another girl was beautiful. I'm not blind or stupid. Of course, he found other girls attractive, but he was great at making me feel like the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. But now, he doesn't have to. And that's when it hit me: We're really over. He doesn't have to consider my feelings anymore. He's moved on.

I've been oddly selfish and detrimentally considerate at the same time. Selfish, because I was okay with ME running around kissing Best Male Friend and trying to get the attention of Customer Service Representative, while expecting that my ex stay home to bury his head in books (at least that's what he told me he was doing and that's what I believed). Detrimentally considerate, because I wanted to believe that because we broke up under amicable, mutual terms that we would, one day, magically, cross paths and run into each other's arms never to lose sight of each other again. How foolishly optimistic and deluded I've been!

While I don't believe that the Facebook comment was an indicator of any potentially wild encounters between him and other women, it does suggest that he is entering that stage of "ex-dom" where he's becoming comfortable with- or, at least, getting used to -being single. Naturally, he should. Afterall, it HAS been 4 months.

I guess it's time I let go, accept an uncertain future (when it comes to him and me), and stop measuring the length of time between our conversations. I do still love him (he never gave me a reason not to), but I cannot hold on to false hope. Yes, he is the best man I've ever met (to date), but I cannot allow him to be the measuring post against which all other men must match up.

I'm beginning to think that there's not just one person out there for me but a few unique ones whose company I will cherish and from whom I will learn valuable lessons until I find the one I cannot bear to be away from. I need to become fully engaged in this journey, NOT the one that ended 4 months ago.

Funky

She says, "I need to find a way to get you out of this funk."

I reply, "I'm not in a funk. I'm fine."

She shoots me the don't-think-you-can-fool-me look.

I repeat, "I'm FINE!"

Tonight as I sit on my bed, fresh from a warm shower, with nowhere to go on a Friday night, I realize I'm not fine. I HAVE been in a funk these past few weeks and I don't think it's my birth control.

I feel withdrawn, extremely irritable, and I can't get up on time. My rhythm is off. I have lost the balance in my life (the worst thing that could happen to a Libra).

I believe it all started a 2 weeks ago when I had the most stressful weeks at work. I wasn't sleeping properly, I was working long hours, I was a wreck. But that's history and I'm still miserable. Why?

I need to suss this out this weekend because I HATE feeling this way!

You Oughtta Know: Installment 2

1. I pick my fingernails when I bored.



2. I speak aloud to myself...ALL THE TIME!



3. After I yawn, I often say, 'Oh Fadda in heaven, hep me Jesus!" (picked it up from my mom)



4. I am craaaaanky when I don't get at least 7 hours of sleep.



5. I drank from a bottle until I was five. And I don't have dependency issues... at least, I don't think I do....????



6. I love kissing in the rain



7. Even though I grew up on an island, I really can't swim...I can do a mean back float though!



8. Whether or not I have kids of my own, I think I will adopt a little boy one day.



9. I always rip napkins and paper towels in half (I mean, how often do we really use the whole sheet?)



10. Muscular calves are a HUGE turn on for me

Nobody's Business but She Own!

So Dena says she's getting hitched to this guy that everybody has suspected was gay from high school. And, just the other day, a friend was telling me how an inebriated "gay Harry" showed up on a heterosexual male's doorstep and came on to him very strongly. Apparently, Harry was chased out of the yard.

That said, my question this weekend was: Do I tell Dena (whom I don't know very well) that her fiance is rumoured to be gay and that she might want to look into that? Or do I mind my own business?

I've opted for the latter. No use putting my nose in business that's not mine. I hope that she gets a clarificationof his sexual orientation in time, or that a close friend will say something.


Reminds me of an old school Calypso song:
Nobody's business, business
Nobody's business, business
Nobody's business
But she own