Clarity

RJ True, I lied.

Yes, I've been thinking about him less often than I used to. But, today, I realized that I had been thinking about him a lot lately and about how I haven't heard from him in over a month (we usually e-mail / talk on the phone briefly every few weeks). Then today, as I wallowed in my self-pitying, seemingly inexplicable funk, I "stalked' him on Facebook. On his home page was a comment he had left on a female friend's picture: "Wow, you look beautiful :-)" (yeah, the smiley face was a direct quote - hmph!) The green-eyed monster that I never knew existed within me reared it's ugly 2 headed self. I literally stopped breathing for about 5 seconds as my eyes pierced a hole into my computer screen! Then, almost a month and a half after my last cry over our break-up, my eyes welled up and over flowed, on and off, for about half an hour.

So, it was just a silly comment to a girl (who IS beautiful, btw). But it was the fact that he was so respectful of our relationship when we were in a relationship that he would rarely say that another girl was beautiful. I'm not blind or stupid. Of course, he found other girls attractive, but he was great at making me feel like the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. But now, he doesn't have to. And that's when it hit me: We're really over. He doesn't have to consider my feelings anymore. He's moved on.

I've been oddly selfish and detrimentally considerate at the same time. Selfish, because I was okay with ME running around kissing Best Male Friend and trying to get the attention of Customer Service Representative, while expecting that my ex stay home to bury his head in books (at least that's what he told me he was doing and that's what I believed). Detrimentally considerate, because I wanted to believe that because we broke up under amicable, mutual terms that we would, one day, magically, cross paths and run into each other's arms never to lose sight of each other again. How foolishly optimistic and deluded I've been!

While I don't believe that the Facebook comment was an indicator of any potentially wild encounters between him and other women, it does suggest that he is entering that stage of "ex-dom" where he's becoming comfortable with- or, at least, getting used to -being single. Naturally, he should. Afterall, it HAS been 4 months.

I guess it's time I let go, accept an uncertain future (when it comes to him and me), and stop measuring the length of time between our conversations. I do still love him (he never gave me a reason not to), but I cannot hold on to false hope. Yes, he is the best man I've ever met (to date), but I cannot allow him to be the measuring post against which all other men must match up.

I'm beginning to think that there's not just one person out there for me but a few unique ones whose company I will cherish and from whom I will learn valuable lessons until I find the one I cannot bear to be away from. I need to become fully engaged in this journey, NOT the one that ended 4 months ago.