It was last week Sunday evening just hours after receiving Bobby's email when I got one from long lost Hank. He wrote to say that he had been thinking about me - but that that was all he would say because he didn't want to make things complicated for me. He also asked if he should stop contacting me - and if that would make me feel more comfortable.
Some of the thoughts that whirled around in my head as I read it were: "Where the hell have you been?" "How do you write something like that after not replying to the e-mail I sent you 3 weeks before?" "What do you mean by: "make things complicated for me"? "Honey, I'm fine now...I'm all cried out and I feel a lot better for it"
Then, a little orange box pops up in the bottom left corner of my screen. "Chevy?" CRAP! I forgot about GMail IMing. It's Hank. He had just sent the e-mail about 5 minutes before and he must have seen my name light up when I signed in.
I took a deep breath, and didn't reveal in my writing that I was actually relieved to know that he is still alive. I told myself to let him lead the conversation. I really did feel composed - not at all the way I felt every other time we spoke: hung up on him. I also was not harboring ill feelings towards him. Therefore, I was in a really good position to talk to him.
We typed back and forth for about 20 minutes and we established and clarified somethings: He did not have access to e-mail because he was traveling for the past few weeks. He somehow overlooked my e-mail and did not read it. (Sounds fishy, right? But he's never been one to lie to me and he seemed genuinely surprised to learn about the e-mail (which he read while we were talking)) He apologized profusely for not replying. I told him that it didn't matter now because I no longer had the feelings expressed in the e-mail. I had come to accept that we would not be a couple again. I am OK with that. And please stop asking me if I'm seeing anyone else everytime we talk. We signed off by extending sincere wishes of good luck and said we'd talk again another time. I get the feeling it won't be for a long while.
It was the closure of all closures! I felt completely liberated. Instead of sitting there ruminating over what was just said and what was not said, I shrugged my shoulders and made my way to the kitchen to obey my craving for corn chips and salsa.
4 comments:
Oh boy oh boy. Another twist in how (dumb) men can be. You hanging in there?
And of course I'll be in touch. I just need your email to add you on my "allowed viewer list".
To clarify, I added this to my blog. Let me know if you have any questions!
* A "private" blog only means that if you wish to view my blog, you'll have to give me your email address, so that I can list you as an approved viewer. It also means that you may have to enter your blogger user name and password to gain access. If it's too much trouble to do so, let me know, because during this process I'm trying to gain a sense of who is really interested in keeping in touch, and who isn't. For those of you that it is worth your time, I'll continue to be in touch, as I know you will be, as our lives permit. What I am not interested is in, and haven't ever been interested in, is drawing in huge amounts of readers. If I read your blog, I comment, and you know I read your blog because you hear from me. You are who I want to be in touch with! If the feeling is mutual, let me know what your email is, and I will add you as a viewer of my blog, and I'll continue to be checking yours..... not much of a change. *
Oh yeah, I'm more than fine! I'm satisfied! I feel like my life is balanced again!
Sounds like a healthy way of dusting your hands, shrugging your shoulders, and moving forward. Well done!
What's next?
Only the good Lord knows...I guess I'll just be enjoying not being hung up on anyone. Kinda like that Dana Parish song: "I'm in love with nobody at all...you should try it sometime" Love that line!
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