Funny how objective your perspective becomes once you've walked away from a relationship. I've been thinking a lot about the things I loved and the things I didn't love about my relationship with Hank (my ex) and the relationship before.. While, I strongly believe in accepting persons for who they are, flaws and all, I know now that sometimes the way a person operates in a situation (myself included) is not always acceptable or healthy.So here goes my evolving list of the things I will and will not do in relationships and dating:
I will not:
- Compromise my integrity / beliefs for a man's attention or love. I can recall so many times agreeing to things that I did not want to do, just to please the person I was with. If I had a bad gut feeling about X before I met him, and I have the same feeling after meeting him, then X is something I will not do.
- Slather on loads of make-up just about everytime we meet up in order to hide my less than perfect skin. Yes, it sounds vain. But the older I get, the more I realize there's little I can do to fight my genes (and the more my skin clears up, thank God). So he's gotta accept me for me.
- Be made to feel guilty for having - and therefore socializing with - friends of the opposite sex. If he cannot get over his insecurities or trust me to be mature and faithful in our relationship, then he has found the wrong girl in me because I won't tolerate pettiness.
- Ditch my girlfriends the instant a cute beau walks into my life. I have been guilty of this on too many occasions and trying to re-connect with friends who've felt slighted is always an awkward task.
I will:
- Have my own life, interests, hobbies, friends etc. I cannot believe how attached at the hip my recent ex and I were. At times it was stifling, but it became the norm so that whenever I tried to have me-time, it caused a rift in our relationship.
- Be honest with my beau about any concerns I may have about our relationship. Yes, there's a time and place to consider each other's feelings, but if I'm unhappy with a situation without admitting to it then both of us are living an illusion.
- Protect my spirit. I have never been a promiscuous girl and I never will be. Therefore, whoever I date in the future must understand that offering my body to him is a precious and somewhat emotional act. I am an old school girl in that respect and I ain't ashamed of it - doesn't make me a prude, just makes me conscientious.
- Take my time getting to know him. In my past 2 relationships, I blurted out those 3 little words within the first 3 months of dating - I wished I could have taken them back in the first relationship, but I genuinely meant it in the last one. Even so, I realize how powerful those words - and their meaning - are. "I love you" is not the be all and end all of a relationship...there's always so much more to consider.
What are some of your absolutes when it comes to dating and relationships? How will you avoid losing yourself?
3 comments:
I've "lost myself" in the past because I didn't know who I was. I've had enough time lately to figure out who I am. And I'm really fond of me. I actually like being with me!
I am no longer compromising me for "he." I won't compromise the kind of music I like, the Tv I watch, the clothes I wear or the books I read.
If I feel like I have to alter myself too much to be with someone, then he's not the right someone for me.
I love the confidence with which you speak RHG, and I love how comfortable you are with yourself. We, women, go through a period of self-loathing (on some level or another) until we get to that point in our lives when we realize there's little we can - and perhaps, should - do to alter our fundamental selves. Yes, there's always room for improvement; but the impetus for such change must come from within.
About a month after I turned 25, a switch turned on and I knew I needed to do a complete overhaul of how I perceived myself. Unfortunately, that prompted me to end my 3-plus year relationship. But I'm finally becoming at peace with myself and loving who I see in the mirror. It's a great feeling!
25 is a great age. I loved that age. I tell all the young women I know that if 25 isn't your best year, you've done something wrong.
There is a mental clarity and self-awareness that seems to gradually come to you throughout the year.
25 was the year I realized that I didn't want to get married until I was 30. (I was about to be proposed to.) And though that decision may have cost me that relationship, it was still the best decision for ME.
I'd much rather be where I am now - single - than married to the person he became. Besides, MY guy is out there. God is just waiting for the right time in both our lives to bring us together.
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