Dreaming With A Broken Heart

I spoke to Hank (ex) on Friday night. We talk every few weeks to say hi and usually, I'm okay by the end of the conversation. But there was something about hearing his voice this weekend that put me in a weird place.

I haven't cried over our break-up in over a month. But when I heard John Mayer's "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" on the radio while lying on the beach with my friends, I got misty eyed. I know that I won't get over him easily - a big part of me doesn't want to. A big part of me hopes to rekindle the flame when the time and location finally become right.

::Sigh:: but an even bigger - and more rational - part of me knows that hoping upon hope isn't healthy. I know why I chose to be single. I know that I'm happy being single. But, man, it really hurts when I realize that the best man I ever loved is miles away and will be away, possibly, for eternity.

Seriously?

Picture this:

A young, well dressed, attractive girl walks into a gas station. Girl notices unattractive, older guy checking her out. Girl is not impressed. Girl grabs bottled water and today's paper, bypassing ogling unattractive guy, completely avoiding eye-contact. Girl stands in check out line and stiffens as guy joins line behind her (a little too closely, might I add). Guy leans into the delicate crook of girl's neck and whispers: "You want to buy me lunch?"

The nerve! This happened to me on my way to work yesterday. Brotha' man caught me on the wrong day, because I, a customarily shy and soft-spoken maiden, spun around, looked him right in the eyes (not before giving him the once-over) and said: "Really?!! Is that the best you can come up with?" Then I turned my back on unattrative guy, struck up a light conversation with the cashier and sauntered out, leaving him to pierce a hole in the back of head.

Unfortunately, I had to face him again in the parking lot where he insisted on glaring into my car, but as I was feeling particularly brave yesterday: I stared back and drove calmly away.

Whew! I hope he didn't take down my plate number!

I am so fed up with some men thinking they can say anything to us and expect us to melt. Seriously, am I not more deserving of even their most-contrived pick-up? Ugh!

Body Conscious

The things I'm learning to accept about my body:

The little corns on each of my little toes (this is taking longer than the rest)

The stubborn scars on my back from the chicken pox

My slightly disporportionate booty

The things I love about my body:

My other 8 toes

The small of my back

The firmness of my booty

See, there's always something to love! Sometimes all you need is time to come around.

Living great in '08

A friend shared with me some tips for a powerful new year. Thought I'd share them with ya'

1. Live with the 3 E's: Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy



2. Try to make at least 3 strangers smile each day.



3. Clear my clutter from my house, car, desk and let new flowing energy into my life.



4. No matter how I feel, get up, dress up and show up.



5. Make peace with my past so it won't screw up the present.



6. Frame every so called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"



7. What other people think of me is none of my business.

The List

Funny how objective your perspective becomes once you've walked away from a relationship. I've been thinking a lot about the things I loved and the things I didn't love about my relationship with Hank (my ex) and the relationship before.. While, I strongly believe in accepting persons for who they are, flaws and all, I know now that sometimes the way a person operates in a situation (myself included) is not always acceptable or healthy.


So here goes my evolving list of the things I will and will not do in relationships and dating:

I will not:

• Compromise my integrity / beliefs for a man's attention or love. I can recall so many times agreeing to things that I did not want to do, just to please the person I was with. If I had a bad gut feeling about X before I met him, and I have the same feeling after meeting him, then X is something I will not do.


• Slather on loads of make-up just about everytime we meet up in order to hide my less than perfect skin. Yes, it sounds vain. But the older I get, the more I realize there's little I can do to fight my genes (and the more my skin clears up, thank God). So he's gotta accept me for me.


• Be made to feel guilty for having - and therefore socializing with - friends of the opposite sex. If he cannot get over his insecurities or trust me to be mature and faithful in our relationship, then he has found the wrong girl in me because I won't tolerate pettiness.


• Ditch my girlfriends the instant a cute beau walks into my life. I have been guilty of this on too many occasions and trying to re-connect with friends who've felt slighted is always an awkward task.

I will:

• Have my own life, interests, hobbies, friends etc. I cannot believe how attached at the hip my recent ex and I were. At times it was stifling, but it became the norm so that whenever I tried to have me-time, it caused a rift in our relationship.


• Be honest with my beau about any concerns I may have about our relationship. Yes, there's a time and place to consider each other's feelings, but if I'm unhappy with a situation without admitting to it then both of us are living an illusion.


• Protect my spirit. I have never been a promiscuous girl and I never will be. Therefore, whoever I date in the future must understand that offering my body to him is a precious and somewhat emotional act. I am an old school girl in that respect and I ain't ashamed of it - doesn't make me a prude, just makes me conscientious.


• Take my time getting to know him. In my past 2 relationships, I blurted out those 3 little words within the first 3 months of dating - I wished I could have taken them back in the first relationship, but I genuinely meant it in the last one. Even so, I realize how powerful those words - and their meaning - are. "I love you" is not the be all and end all of a relationship...there's always so much more to consider.

What are some of your absolutes when it comes to dating and relationships? How will you avoid losing yourself?

M.I.L.K.: Man I Like Knowing

Boy oh boy, am I out of practice when it comes to weekend partying. I am so pooped from running around and getting a total of 8 hours sleep in the past 72 hours. And yet, I'm headed to a games night at a friend's place in 30 minutes. I'm trying to tell myself that it's all about pace (but myself nah listenin').

Friday night was really fun: gobbled down some indian food with my big sis and another cool chick. Then we went dancing to techno. I'm really not a fan of the genre, but it's all in the name of "trying new things." I even had a drink (my customary "sex on the beach" - mmm, love a fruity beverage) I returned home buzzed on good vibes and the reassurance that being single is really FUN!

Then saturday night, my male "friend" (note the quotation marks) and I went out and had a really great time: dinner (it was like a date but without the pressure), drinks on an outdoor deck with live music, and then watching a boxing match in a smoky bar with one of his buddies. Then we ended the night with our usual hug and kiss on the cheek. The whole night was thoroughly sweet!

So, to fill you in. He and I go way back to middle school, we've grown up having feelings for each other but never really acting on them. Recently we admitted to those feelings, but we shrug off the occasional awkwardness that can be found in a too-long-held stare. We're both at points in our lives where we don't want relationships and we're working on improving ourselves. But we enjoy each other's company soooo very much!

In Jamaica, there's the saying: "I really rate him" = "I respect / admire him." And, that's how I feel about him. We talk about everything candidly while sopping up the male / female perspective that each of us brings to the topic at hand: sex, attraction, relationships, marriage, family life, career, kids (you name it). I love it! I have been dying to have this type of non-commital, non-sexual bond with a male for years, but I found that most guys were just looking to get into my knickers. But that's not the case with my male friend. He's such a gentleman and a gorgeous one at that (hey!!! I'm not blind). I completely dig his personality and genuinely love the friendship we have. Hope it lasts!

Have you ever had a semi - platonic male friend like mine? How did it turn out in the end? Hook-up or awkward break-up? Or did it remain neutral?

Yet another thing I love about being single:

Having a girl's night out without having to "report" back to my beau on who wanted to dance with me, who was trying to get a little too close, who asked for my phone number...yada, yada, yada!

Let's just say, my Friday night was more than fun!

Ebony and...

Am I the only person who has not dated interacially? My sister has, most of my friends have, my brother is currently in an interracial relationship...so why not me? The hard, cold truth is that I'm scared! I know, how insane is that?

It's not that I've never found guys outside of my race attractive - not at ALL the case (as a matter of fact, I met a really great guy last weekend who's interested in me). I guess because my dad, brothers, male cousins and most of my male friends look like me and come from similar backgrounds as mine, I have more experience with - and therefore feel more comfortable relating - to men in those categories.

Part of my personal plan for 2008, is to break the monotony: do things I've never done before and that I've always wanted to do. Dating outside of my norm is one of those things. But why do I feel so nervous? Is this normal?

Help! Have you dated interacially before? Were you as nervous about it as I am? Be honest with me..I'm a big girl, I can take it!

P.S. - If you don't approve of interracial dating, please reserve your comments for like-minded people. In other words, walk on!

wanh, wanh, waaaanh!

Not much to say today. It's hump day. I'm feeling a little blah (sinuses are acting up). Got hit on by an old (50ish) man (eeeewwww). Had left over chinese for dinner. Now, I'm counting down to Friday. What to do this weekend? I'm gonna go to bed thinking about that.

Until tomorrow - when I will hopefully have a more exciting post - take care of yourself...especially your heart.

I leave you with this:

I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer

-Collete

Nighty-night,

Chevy

The good kind...

"I would love to be married, BUT I have so many things I want to do in life...I don't wanna wake up at 87 and realize that it's just me and the electric blanket - again. But I also don't want to wake up at 87 resenting the fella next to me for the things I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do because I was a wife and/or mother."

That, my friends, is a wonderfully put response from fellow blogger, Reasonably Happy Girl (love your name by the way) to my earlier question about marriage.

RHG's words got me to thinking about the circumstances surrounding my last relationship. And here are my 3 confessions:

1. I absolutely LOVED that man and I will for a long time (he was perfect for me at that time and I will be eternally appreciative of the impact he had on my life).


2. I wanted to marry him and have beautiful, curly haired, brown babies together...


3. But, not just yet! I was not ready to get married at the age of 24, after having just finished school, and not having a house, an investment or a barely even a hobby to call my own. (Thankfully, he felt the same way about his life and I'm grateful that we parted with mutual intentions and goals.)

While he was always supportive of my dreams and ambitions and while he often pushed me to succeed harder than I pushed myself , I was always hesitant to take on my own challenges. In retrospect, I think I was scared of having to alter or even reject some of my dreams in order to take him into consideration. For example, if I wanted to move to a Spanish-speaking country for a summer to immerse myself in the language and culture, I wouldn't without consulting my boyfriend first.

For the past 6 years, I've had to add 2 separate boyfriends' feelings and opinions about my life to my life's equation. (Yup, I jumped from one relationship to another in a mere space of 3 months - but I was young and boy-crazy.) I was operating on a "we" not "me" basis. But, no more. I have wisened up: "Chevy, get a life!"

I, like, Reasonably Happy Girl, know now that my happiness and my dreams cannot be wrapped up in a man (no matter how wonderful he is). It's about time I pursue my life unabashedly. I have designated 2008 to be a selfish year... but it's the good kind of selfish!

How will you be the "good kind of selfish" this year?

-Chevy

I do or I don't?

Ok, there was no eye candy to be found on the beach on Sunday. Just lots of tubby middle-aged men with their adorable kids romping in the water.

However, one thing I did enjoy while sipping my pina colada and roasting in the Caribbean sun, was chatting with my girlfriend. She's about 16 years older than I am, but we get along uncanningly well. She's been single for a long time - not because she's incapable of getting or keeping a man - or because she has a hairy wart growing out of her nostril. She's in great shape, attractive, intelligent and really approachable. Her reason for not being married at 40-something was that she had tried marriage and didn't want to go that route again. Fact is, her husband passed away after just a few years of their union (doesn't your heart just break for her?). When I listened for the first time to this chapter of her life, I thought also of my aunt who divorced in her mid 40's and who, now at 60-something, is the hottest single chick in town.

Women like these are my heroes, particularly because they live in a society (the Caribbean) that is sluggishly departing from the notion that something must be inherently wrong with a single 30 year old woman. Now, I have roughly 4 more years to go before people start looking at me cross-eyed. But I often wonder, do I really want to get hitched? The older I get the less appealing marriage becomes. I figure I have quite some time to make up my mind.

What about you? Do you never intend to get married and why? OR Did you feel that way once, but someone/ something changed your mind?

Ugh...non-alcoholic Sunday morning hangover

Don't you hate Sunday mornings that follow Saturday afternoons that were completed wasted by splurging on really cute, bohemian dresses, drinking a Malibu and Pineapple at a sports bar with your sister and her buddies, and then visiting an art exhibition instead of getting your act together for the next week? Yeah, you're probably thinking "isn't that why Saturdays were made ?". Not always the case with my Saturdays, hun! I have the type of job that requires me to plan for the week ahead over the weekend. Sounds a little too demanding right? Sometimes I think so too, but I'm trying to be a trooper since I'm practically a rookie to the world of work.

Anyway, I've just made myself a hearty breakfast (English muffin and 2 scrambled eggs), gonna wash my hair, and get some work done before meeting a friend for a pina colada on the beach this evening! She and I share the same occupation and we have resolved to not let our career define and consume us in 2008. And since I'm no longer attached, my options for entertainment are limitless.

I'll let you know if I met any interesting beaus playing in the sand. Yeah, I know I'm still in the rebound stage...but I'm not taking any numbers, just looking to hone my flirting skills for when I am! ha ha! Have a great Sunday...

By the way, I was thinking: I'm going to give myself about 3 months total (it's been 2) to declare myself officially in the rebound stage (so that means no dating and lots of reflection).

How did you know it was safe for your heart to start roaming again?

Chevy

So, this is single life, eh?

Ladies, imagine you're in a discount shoe warehouse, scrambling past boxes of tried- and- not- so-true footwear to reach your final destination: the perfect pair of cute AND functional pumps. You pick them up, look around incredulously, not believing that they're yours - all yours - AND they're the perfect fit! Yes, you get to take them home, show them off to your girlfriends and exclaim: "Girl, check out this great find!" Even your mom would love them. But - yes, there's always a but - before you march out of the store beaming with your great deal, you learn that this blissful moment was but a fleeting dream. You don't get to keep it, you can show it off to your girlfriends and your mama, but it's only on loan. You must return your find within a limited time frame because, contrary to all dreams you just formulated in your pretty little head, those pumps are needed somewhere else indefinitely. That's kinda, sorta, what it was like walking away from my last relationship.

Ok, ok, I know that wasn't the best analogy. Losing a really great guy, is nothing like walking away from a great pair of $50 Jimmy Choos. But I digress.

Let's call my ex-guy "Hank". Hank is the epitome of "tall, dark and handsome". He's the type of guy who walks down the street and everybody has to stare because you've never seen anything like him: chiseled features, broad shoulders, and a walk that exudes self-assurance. Not only is he gorgeous, he's intelligent, socially conscious, driven, and caring.

Hank and I dated for roughly 3 and 1/2 years, 1 and 1/2 of which were long distance. Ouf! We thought we had the perfect relationship when we lived in the same city AND when we lived in drastically different time zones. We told each other everything, supported one another through anything and really were deeply in love. But, then reality bit a chunk of burning love out of our arses! He had obligations on one side of the globe and I on the other.

We're both young - in our mid-twenties- working on our careers and trying to "live our lives to the fullest" (whatever that means!) and while we would love to drop everything and run in the direction of each other, it just isn't feasible right now or anytime in the near future. Our options were to continue in a long distance relationship for another 2 1/2 years (dbl Ouf!) or separate, wish each other the best and pledge to stay in touch.

So, yes, my great find practically landed in my lap. I even got my girlfriends jonesing for a taste of what I had, and my mom had already placed her stamp of approval on Hank. But, as life would have it (since it always seems to have the last say), this wonderful deal had an expiry date.

And, here I am truly single for the first time in 6 years (more on that later) and I'm....happy? ?? Quick review: I have been single for 2 months now, eating lots of vanilla ice cream, craving the sound of you-know-whose's voice, going to bed at 8 p.m. on weekends, and avoiding men's advances until I 'get my mind right'. Yet, I say, I'm happy?? Yeah (shaking my head profusely), I am grateful and contented!

What about you? Have you ever had to walk away from a really great relationship? How long did it take for you to gain perspective on the situation?

Chevy