My deaf heart

"I am trying not to care. I really am"

That's the last text I sent to a male 'friend' of mine that I've been denying that I have strong feelings for. He's a great guy, just in a not so healthy period of his life. Frankly, he's miserable living with the consequences of stupid mistakes he made last year (no jail time, but definitely life-altering).

I've always had feelings for him. We're really great friends and we hang out on the regular. We know that we are into each other. We've discussed the possibility of us being a couple...just not now! He's got some personal stuff to sort out.

We were supposed to hang out tonight - grab an informal bite to eat and get a drink. Nothing fancy - but I almost always look forward to the good time we usually have when we're together. He calls me to say that he has to run an errand and once that's done we can head out. I get dressed in the meantime - jeans and a t-shirt. I wait around my house, checking e-mail, watching commentary on Usain Bolt's races (Go Jamaica!), and I find that I've been waiting for an hour without a call or text.

He calls while I'm in the bathroom. I call back. He doesn't answer. Half hour passes. I call again forsaking pride - after all, he's a friend. This is not a date! He answers, says he fell asleep on his couch, didn't even leave home. He asks if I wanna come around to get a drink now?

"Uh, no... It's late!"

"For someone who doesn't have to get up early tomorrow morning, you sure are concerned about the time." (I'm on vacation)

"I'm not coming. We made plans. I was waiting for a long time. You fell asleep. I'm not leaving my house now."

"Ok, you wanna try again tomorrow."

"We'll see..."

"Why, we'll see? Why not yes?"

"Because I don't want to be disappointed again."

"Ok, I'm sorry. I understand!"

Why did I have to tell him I was upset before he could apologize for behaviour that, anyone in their right mind would know. is lame? Grrr... Men really are clueless!

He texts me 10 minutes later: "I hate that u r upset with me :-(" I secretly melt. I'm trying not to care, I really am. But it's too late. I'm crazy about the boy even though he annoys the hell outta me sometimes. We will probably end up in a relationship one day. But in the meantime, I'm trying not to care so much... it's hard. My heart isn't listening.